Stuart Scott: Movin' right along to chikkity-China for some intramural hoops action. Live from the land of MSG - and we ain't talkin' about The Garden, folks - it's the China West Normal University Old Campus Foreign Language Department versus the Fine Arts Department of China ... West ... Normal ... you get the idea. Suiting up for the Foreign Language squad, Tyreke Petit, the transfer from Creighton, where he averaged 1.8 points per game -
Mayne: Nice socks.
Scott: It's gotta be the socks! There's Petit, savoring a pre-game cigarette. Just before tip-off, the trash-hua was a-flyin'. Foreign Language big man Liu Ai-Guo had this to say about his new teammate -
"This [expletive] laowai with his headband and Chuck Taylors and Kurt Rambis goggles ... this is my house, and if he thinks he's gonna come into my house and [expletive] my [expletive], he can [expletive] my [expletive]. His job is to feed me the rock and get out the way. Period."
Mayne: Harsh words. First quarter. Petit puts one up from Outer Mongolia - air ball. Gets the give-and-go from Mr. Wang - clunk. Heaves up a baseline prayer - oh dear. Ten minutes in, Petit's 0 for 7 from the field. He can't buy a bucket. He can't even haggle for a bucket. Meanwhile, Mr. Liu - feelin' it. Wang feeds it to Liu in the paint - guanxi. Liu from way downtown - count it. Laowais up by six. Second quarter, Fine Artists on the fast break. Professor Li goes up for the easy lay-in, but Mr. Liu says bu yao! Zhou, for three -
Scott: Bu yao!
Mayne: Zhang driving the lane -
Scott: Dou bu yao!
Mayne: Going into the half, Laowais up by twelve. Mr. Liu leads the charge with 16 points, six boards, and four blocks. Stu-Pot!
Scott: Third quarter, Laowais doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well. Petit dishes to Liu - don't fake the funk on a nasty lay-up. Wang from the perimeter - don't hate the playa, hate the game! Laowais up by 18. Petit breaks the ice with a jumper - aw, sookie sookie now. It's 42-20 going into the fourth. Wang with the steal, and from here on out, it's like playin' mahjongg with grandma. Wang pulls up for three -
Scott: Liu for three -
Scott: Petit for three -
Scott: Laowais up by 36 - and now they just gettin' sick wit it! Mr. Liu - call him butter, cuz he's on an eggroll.
Mayne: If I have an eggroll, and you have an eggroll, and I have some chopsticks. My chopsticks reach acroooooooooss the room -
Scott: I eat your eggroll! I eat it up! Laowais win this thing big: 68-30. Liu walks away with 38 points, 14 boards and ten blocks. Petit chips in with eight points and twelve assists. For the Fine Artists, Professor Li leads the way with four points and 18 turnovers. Laowai skipper Rudy Tomjanovich had some words for us after the game -
"What can I say? Petit put his heart on the line. Nobody's had to do what he's had to do. New team. New country. New language. It's tough. But Mr. Liu's the big man. Petit's gotta find a way to get the ball to Liu down low. Liu's been making big shots for us. Any time a team commits to the double team on Liu, we have been doing a great job of making them pay, especially towards the end of the game. I think that Liu wants to win. He's a tremendous competitor, as fierce as anybody I've ever been around. I don't know what all the drama's about between him and Petit, I didn't read the book. But it's just like they got to have a soap opera."
Mayne: Up next for the Laowais - the Chinese Language Department. The winner advances to the second round of the round robin, and remember, folks - no drawing firearms during league play.