I woke up this morning with a Frappuccino in my hand.

The teaching charade was pushed to new frontiers of realism today as I spent a half-hour writing progress reports for my fifty students. The reports fell into four generic types, certainly not from any disregard on my part, but because there is a limit to what can be said about a student's classroom behavior, particularly when the student is too young and much too Korean to stand out.

Parentheses are mine.

Type One:
Your Daughter Will Make Some Poor Man Very Unhappy Someday.

Jeong Yu-Jin is an energetic (sadistic) and lively (malicious) student with a distinct personality (spiteful grin) all her own. She always brings a positive attitude (pellet gun) to class. She is one of my favorite students (she punches me frequently) and I truly enjoy teaching her (I hide in the lavatory during my lunch break). She has many friends (lackeys) in class and she loves to help (hit) them with their homework. Please encourage her to keep up the good work (please beg her, for Christ's sake, to stop ripping out my armhair).

Type Two:
Bearing In Mind That You Are A 40-Something Korean Father, You Probably Won't Be Able To Read This, But I Will Nevertheless Write A Barrage Of Negative Adjectives In The Hopes That You Will Take The Time To Look Them Up, And Then, Take The Deluxe Kimchi Tongs To That Little Terd-Dropper Son Of Yours.

Ee Ho-Jin is a lively student with a great sense of humor (he laughs when I bleed). I can tell he studies hard (plots against me) in his free time and he has been making progress (a lot of origami ninja stars) in class. Unfortunately, he sometimes disrupts lessons with his talking (he once lunged at my throat with a sharpened compass/ruler) and often distracts (roundhouse kicks) his classmates. The director has talked to him (beaten him with a wooden stick) on a number (37) of occasions. Please encourage him to focus during class (stop attending school) or the director will be forced to take further disciplinary action (his English teacher will board a one-way flight to San Francisco).

Type Three:
Your Daughter Is Creepy But Docile.

Kim Un-Yeong is a young scholar (recluse) with a lot of potential (few friends who are not imaginary). She is the most advanced student in her class (the other kids have been snorting markers) and she always does well on tests (she likes cheese). Un-Yeong pays attention during class time (she is revoltingly pale) and she loves helping out her classmates (she often makes animal noises). She is truly a delight to teach (I joke about her in the teachers' lounge) and her English has improved tremendously over the past few months (she will one day join a religious cult). Please encourage her to keep up the good work (please feed her more fishheads).

Type Four:
I Have Forgotten Who Your Son Is.

Kim Byeong-Ook is my favorite student. He is hard-working, dedicated, and loaded to the gills with genuine linguistic talent. I can tell he studies hard in his free time, as evidenced by the delightful haiku poems he recites to me between classes. He is always eager to help other students out with their homework and he is an active participant during class time. Once, after another boy had fallen and skinned his knee, Byeong-Ook spent ten minutes tending to the boy's wound and dabbing away his tears with a moist towelette. A scholar and a gentleman, your son also seems to enjoy studying math and collecting Yu-Gi-Oh cards. On top of everything, Byeong-Ook is an outstanding ping-pong player and I have had the privilege of playing him in several friendly matches, a few of which I am not ashamed to admit losing. Continue to encourage Byeong-Ook in his studies and his ping-pong playing. (I have forgotten who your son is).