Americanadickcissel

I received this in my e-mail today. I thought it was something by Lewis Carroll or William S. Burroughs, but it turned out to be the preamble to a penis enhancement ad. Either way, it's the best thing I've ever read.

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Super Mossimo Brothers

Yesterday evening, in a sudden flourish of nostalgia for the suburban squalor I'm about to leave behind, I set off on a photography run. My first stop was the King Kong Burger on 13th Street. I had gotten about ten steps from the car with my camera when a passing SUV slowed to a halt and a guy in a backwards hat - sensing an impending moment of emotional vulnerability - craned out from the passenger's side window and screamed, "FAG!"

In times like these, you wish you could push some sort of instant vengeance button, a biblical plague button, a button that would unleash the locusts, the frogs, the backwoods sodomites, a button that would wreak instantaneous karmic suffering upon the backwards-hat jackass who has just drive-by-fagged you. I reached for that button, but all I found was my middle finger.

When I was seven, my friend's creepy evangelical dad told me, "Never seek vengeance. Silence is like feeding your enemies burning hot coals."

There's an idea. I should just feed my enemies burning hot coals. Maybe this Christianity thing isn't so bad after all. That is probably the reason why religion exists in the first place: the promise that the drive-by-fag artist will get his come-up-ins.

Anyway, I flipped the guy off and took my faggy monkey pictures.


My wardrobe these days is all Mossimo all the time. I would be considered unhip if people didn't already infer that at first glance.

Maybe I'm just blind from reading so many of those blurry Mossimo t-shirts in the mid-90s, but what's there not to love about Mossimo? From the arbitrarily preppy lion insignia to the athletic fit that lets everyone know that yes, I do fifteen push-ups every morning - as a world-weary, formerly bearded man who is simply unwilling to buy decent clothes, a six-dollar pair of cicada-damaged Mossimo jeans is like a breath of fresh, Laotian sweatshop air. Somewhere, Giovanni Mossimo himself is sitting in a California caviar bar, chortling a mighty Italian chortle at the thought that his little fledgling fashion line - the one Versace said was too brash, too wild, too sexy to succeed - is now the envy of the clearance aisle at Target.

A scanner dorkily

Tonight I'm seeing A Scanner Darkly. That's right: I italicized a movie title. Fuck MLA format, I'm just that excited. It's like my cinematic libido is back for one night and one night only. And to think, all it took was a rotoscopically animated cast of deadbeats.

Robert Downey, Jr.: Yo ... who ganked my stash?
[Downey and Woody Harrelson turn and glare at Winona]
Keanu: Whoa.

Bellevue by night, via crummy cameraphone:

Humid humid humidity.

Nebraskans don't talk about the weather, they talk about the humidity. Nowhere else in the world is water vapor so revered.

Feel free to use the following dialogue in your English class if you happen to be TEFLing in Sarpy County.

Speaker 1: Muggy today, innit?
Speaker 2: Shore is.
Speaker 1: Ain't that hot out, but shore is humid.
Speaker 2: 's Nebraska for ya. Don't get hot like some places, but it shore gets humid.
Speaker 1: Down in Arizona, New Mexico, Kansas ... gets hotter down that way, but you don't feel it so much.
Speaker 2: Yeop. It's a dry heat.

thebomb.org

I'm looking forward to teaching and getting lost somewhere. Somewhere will probably be Korea. Sorry, Kazakhstan.

My Nebraskan life is broken up by little reveries - in the car, in my bedroom, in the queue at Target - where my ego pools up and festers like old bathwater. The TEFL life affords no reveries. There is no time for an ego. Every moment finds you teaching, learning, or standing in a convenience store fumbling through foreign currency as a building crowd of murmuring natives shakes fists behind your back. It's a straight line existence and that's what I need right now. I've been reading too many books, enough to know that books alone won't teach you much of anything.